The Bling Ring (Or: Please don’t see this movie)

This is the worst movie I’ve seen all year. It’s a mind-numbingly dull and banal look at a group of the world’s dumbest teenagers who inexplicably manage to steal $3 million worth of high-end goods from the homes of celebrities (who incidentally, based on the film’s depiction of just how easy it was to rob these places, may be even dumber than the crooks themselves).

Have you ever wanted to watch a film that perfectly replicates the experience of going on a shopping trip for someone else? Imagine, for a moment, a film called “A Day at the Mall.” The main character is a teenager girl. She walks into Banana Republic and looks at the all of the clothes, squealing in glee at an amazing shirt/shoes/pair of socks/etc. The character tries the clothes on and poses in a mirror. Then after making her purchase, the character goes out to party in her new clothes. Replace “Banana Republic” with “[Insert Celebrity Name Here]’s Closet” and “purchase” with “steal” and that’s pretty much the entire experience of The Bling Ring. This is done in about seven different scenes that are all exactly the same, making up probably a good fifty minutes of the hour and a half running time.

There’s absolutely nothing of interest in this film. You would think it would be intriguing to discover the methods the teenagers used to get into these high-profile mansions. Except how they broke into these homes was as simple as looking under the “Welcome” mat and finding a spare set of house-keys, or trying the sliding doors in the backyard, none of which were ever locked. Oh, and apparently no celebrity leaves their alarm on. Remember, this is based on a true story, meaning that the unprecedented levels of stupidity on display have some basis in reality, which I believe should make us all fear for the future of the human race.

Don’t bother with The Bling Ring. Just watch Spring Breakers again, for a movie dealing with similar themes, but actually entertaining.

Grade: F

Sidenote: This movie makes you experience deja vu. As in, in one home invasion scene, the male character keeps asking to leave the house. And then in the next home invasion scene, the male character keeps asking to leave the house. And then in the next home invasion scene, you realize you’ve seen this scene twice before – because it was the previous two scenes.