Miss March

Partly inspired by Nathan Rabin’s My Year of Flops, I decided to watch the critically eviscerated teen sex “comedy” Miss March.

Obviously aimed at the 13-15 year-old boy demographic, Miss March has the virginal “I’m-saving-it-for-marriage” lead, his inexplicable friendship with a sex-obsessed and misogynistic best buddy, and limp nude sequences to fill the quota of required boobage (for every twenty minutes of “plot” the film takes a boob break – introducing utterly inconsequential characters such as lesbians who not only give our heroes a much-needed lift to Los Angeles but require that the heroes drive so they can have wild topless sex in the backseat). In between the cleavage, the buddies witlessly banter and avoid axe-throwing firemen looking to kill them (yes, the film makes no attempt to exist in the real world).

Eugene Bell (Zach Cregger) is about to have sex with his girlfriend Cindi (Raquel Alessi) for the first time at a party. His best buddy Tucker (Trevor Moore) convinces him to do a few shots beforehand – one to boost the confidence, one to last longer, etc. Buzzed from all the alcohol, Eugene falls down a flight of stairs and ends up in a coma for four years. When he wakes up, everyone has left him except Tucker and he discovers that while he was out his high school sweetheart has since become a Playboy Playmate. Cue road trip across the country to the Playboy Mansion to win back her heart.

It’s a typical teen sex comedy plot ruined by a grating, nasally lead performance from Tucker who looks like a low-rent Crispin Glover, speaks like a pre-pubescent teen, and makes unfunny come-ons to wandering babes that are grounds for sexual harassment. The film gives him an attractive girlfriend (Molly Stanton) with epilepsy – which Tucker sensitively refers to as “that brain thing.” Cue the strobe light during fellatio and presto! comedy magic.

Ha. Ha.

By making the obnoxious Tucker the lead of the film doomed it from the start. While Eugene is supposedly the leading man, his dialogue consists of screaming at everyone around him or shitting himself. It’s okay though – that’s just his atrophied body unable to withstand the rigors of a nationwide road trip. Ugh. Meanwhile, Tucker’s wild overacting and zany personality do nothing to obscure the weaknesses of the script or elevate the comedic material above dull or nauseating.

While watching the movie, I imagined how much better it could’ve been had Zach Galifianakis been cast as Tucker. Instead of the upbeat and energetic delivery of the actor who plays him in the movie (if it’s energetic and upbeat it has to be funny, right?) Galifianakis would’ve had a dry and unorthodox approach to the material – and the incongruity of having a 41 year-old man play a teenager would be great for laughs. Just imagine some of these key pieces of dialogue spoken in typical Galifianakis deadpan:

While dressed as a fireman: ” “I can’t work like this. Firemen never get laid, everyone knows that. People hate firemen!”

Or: “Candace, you’re the last person that I ever want to bonk, and if your weird brain thing makes you bite my chunk while you’re blowing me, so be it! I’ll never stab you again!”

At least, I think Galifianakis could make it funny.

The end of the movie is devoted to “special lesson” segments where each character vocalizes what they’ve learned on their journey. After a lecture by Hugh Hefner, Tucker realizes that he must find the inner Playboy Bunny in every woman (even the ugly ones) and appreciate his girlfriend for what she is: hot. Eugene learns some crap about confidence and trusting people, neglecting to learn the most important lesson of all: drop your obnoxious friend Tucker. In the meantime, Craig Robinson appears in a thankless role as “Horsedick.MPEG” – there’s a recurring and awful joke when anyone just calls him Horsedick without saying dot-MPEG – he corrects them. That’s the joke.

The film was 97% a waste of time. The other 3% was spent imagining it with Galifianakis.

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